I'm kinda sick right now, but feeling better.

I'm getting artistic; getting things done, but I have so much to say,

so much to do,

so little time.

Everything is flashing by in a blur and I'm just standing there without a sound. Drowning in my envy, hate, want, love, sorrow, joy and all those feelings in between. It's just a time where I just can't distinguish what is what and it's driving me insane. Exams are coming up but so is winter break. So much time gone; so little done and so many things missed.

My parents are also fed up with the B's I'm getting. I don't know what's going on and what to do, I mean, they're high B's, and I only have a few, the rest are A's. How can I please them? My mom just wants me to give up my best friends, be a shut in and stay with her. I just can't do that.  I will not let go of these precious friends. I've never defied my mom, can't she understand just this once how important they are to me? I don't care anymore wether theycare or not. Just screw it. I consider them my best friends and I'll keep it that way until they can say to my face that they don't care.

What do I do?I'm not nearly as depressed but--there's just something inside of me itching to get it out. I need to talk to a friend, but I'm too afraid.

Damn

 it 

all.

Labels: Friends, harsh, life, stuff, ugh

Dammit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!

Fuck life.

Labels: now, stfu

I saw Gabbz yesterday, we had some fun.

People in my guitar class were idiots as usual. The days were boring, but I got extremely embarassed today when we were talking about how we were going to paint and how my teacher, said she couldn't wait to see mine.

It was overall hard to get through today because I got lack of sleep. It wasn't because I went to sleep late, but while I was in bed I had this sudden excruciating pain in my foot. It felt like something or someone was bending it, trying to break it in half. It was so painful that I was thrashing around in bed and scratched up my palms from clenching them so hard. The pain dulled and came back a few seconds later. All this cycled throughout the night.

When I woke up I found out I got my period and that's most likely the culprit of the pain. Well, that's great. I definitely do not want to feel that pain again. Also, my hands froze over as I scrambled to wash the blood of my white PJ pants; my hands turned slightly blue!

Ugh, even worse I've had a killer cramp! Plus, somebody elbowed me in the boob and it hurts like crap.

I also did not get my P.O.W's done so yippee for doing all of that today.

On the other hand, since my school team is awesome [cuz' I'm in it] and everybody else's sucks [cuz' I'm not in it], we don't have to get sack lunches and play retarded board games next Friday! We get food from some restraunt [like subs & chicken fingers] and get to sit wherever we want and paint and watch a movie [a new one at that!] best of all we get to socialize as much as we like! Yippeeee :]

BUT THIS CRAMP STILL HURTS LIKE HELL!

PS: I think later this day I'll upload the summary of my new comic, and it's completely planned so I just have to draw it now. It's about a murderer.

Labels: cramp, Gabby, is, life, pep, period, rally, school, stuff, ugh

Everytime I do the same thing.

Put myself down, hold myself higher.

Just can't take this anymore.

Please, someone..


Kill me now.

Labels: god, why

I have a really close friend coming over today.

I have a really close friend not coming over today.

I get mad.

Douchebaggery on my part ensues.

Miranda's coming over; don't know bout' Lauren...

Labels: Aniqa, Friends, Gabby, Lauren, Miranda

I took the S.A.T today.

I prayed, prayed, prayed to god and thank goodness I did. I had a little trouble with math but the Language arts was easy. Hopefully now I'll be getting an Iphone and contacts~! <3<3

I am so freaking tired; physically and mentally.



I'm sick and tired of doubting my friends.

I'm sick and tired of them always looking like they don't care.

I'm sick and tired of being so isolated.

I'm sick and tired of not being brave enough to make more friends.

I'm sick and tired of feeling so alone.

I'm sick and tired of letting everyone down.

I'm sick and tired of crying myself to sleep thinking of these things.

All of this is giving me a migraine.. I'm just so tired and I really need to talk to someone; someone who can pat me on the back and say it's okay. I just can't express this terrible, burning feeling on the inside. At a time like this, all I can turn to is my passion and love: drawing.  But, it's still not enough..

I need someone's help and patience.

Labels: depression, Friends, help, isolation, stress

Sorry, haven't had a chance to update. Here's what's happened:

I feel bad for Thesha. Her wedding was nothing compared a true traditional wedding. It was horrible. I would have been bored out of my mind, but I was too busy snapping pictures and taking videos. I video taped the whole wedding wearing high heels and being bumped and pushed and shoved by a ton of other people for literally 3 hours straight. My cousins went on and partied, not really caring where I was or if I needed help (if we changed shifts I'm sure my feet wouldn't have  felt like commiting suicide the next day). I also went to their house and was yet again bored. I always feel like an outsider around them. Then again, I feel like an outsider to everybody except for my parents.

Sometimes I kind of cringe at the fact that if we just hung out more when we were little we could've been close friends. Actually, we used to be good friends, but that changed, and don't ask why because I just don't know. This has happened with most of my friends. Something happened or they moved or their parents were not exactly great people or it was just my pathetic foolish carelessness and wrong judjement that caused me to lose contact with them.

It hurts so bad to imagine losing the best friends I have now. I don't want to ever lose contact with them. I wonder if our friendship will survive, but that's only when we're apart. When I'm with them, I just feel so happy and can release my inner self. Only then is when I have no doubts in our friendship and life and I just believe everything will be OK.

I really want to hang out with my friends and the S.A.T's this Saturday...



siiiiigghhh.

Labels: Friends, Gabby, Lauren, Miranda, Nishi, Nitol, Pia, Ria, S.A.T, Sanjida, stress, Thesha, Tia, Wedding